The following is a effort by David Tomita <david@pharm.medsch.ucla.edu> and Don Bertino

[Live Person]
Welcome, this is your Captain speakin', best you please finish all your food and beverages before you comin' on board, along with cigarettes, tobacco or whatever you like. Please watch your step, grab your young children by the hand, firmly by the hand that is, and come on board.


This heres' the first boardin' call for the steam ship Mark Twain. All aboard.


[Captain]


Secure all cargo, all passengers aboard.


Bowman, cast off bow lines.


Engine room, ahead one quarter.


Engine room, ahead three quarters.


Ledge man, sound off.


[Ledge man-singing]


By the mark, Mark one, Mark Twain, Half Twain, Mark three, Mark four, Deep four, Ocean deep.


[Captain]


Howdy folks, Welcome aboard the Mark Twain riverboat. This is your captain speaking to ya, from the pilot house up here on the Texas deck. Now leaving on journey up rivers of America and into the western frontier. For your safely, please do not seat on the handrails. The river can get mighty unpredictable in these parts, and gosh, we sure hate to lose anyone.


With me up here in the pilot house, is a man well-known in these parts, Mr. Mark Twain, the fame writer for whom this very boat is named.


[Mark Twain]


Captain, it is my pleasure. Yeah, it sure feels good to be back on the river. Years ago, I made my living as a river boat pilot. It was a gentle life, here as the steam boat whistles far off around the bend, riding the broad majestic river. It was this river that sent me about becoming a writer, and it has not done wrong by me yet.


[Captain-Talking about the Haunted Mansion]


Over there across the way is what used to be the grandest mansion in these parts, its been sitting there empty for, what must be 20 years!


[Mark Twain]


Yep, that mansion looks pretty respectable from the outside, but the townsfolk tell me a whole different story. They say its haunted, and at late at night, when the rivers' real quiet, strange and unearthly sounds reach out from that old house.


[Captain]


Now hold on there Mr. Twain, your starting to scare the youngsters, not to mention me!


[Mark Twain]


Sir, truth is the most valuable thing we have, I believe we should be, economical with it.


[Captain-Talking about Splash Mountain]


Now coming up on the port side is the famous, and strangest mountain in these parts. Those folks who have explored it from the inside say that their is music in its caves and laughter in its falls.


[Mark Twain]


Ha Ha Ha, Now who is telling stories here?


[Deck Watch]


Attention, Deck watch, stand by for river traffic.


[Captain]


Over there to port is a canoe landing, where local guides meet traders and explorers to lead them into the wilderness.


[Mark Twain]


Yeah know, with all the traffic plying the river now days, its a wonder theres any wilderness left!


[Captain]


We're just passed Fort wilderness, the last outpost of civilization on the river.


[Ledge man-singing]


Mark three, mark three, quarter left three, half twain, half mark twain, quarter left, red flag, red flag and touchy.


[Captain]


If your new to the river, your probably wonder about those calls. Now thats the ledge man calling out the depth markings to keep us from running a ground.


[Ledge man-singing]


Mark twain


[Mark Twain]


Yeah know, back when I was a river boat captain. On many a night of storm and fog, we would be straining our ears to hear that call. Thats the welcomeist sound of all to a river man. These two sweet words, Mark Twain. Safe water.


[Deck Watchman]


Attention, Captain. Settler cabin a fire off starboard bow.


[Captain]


Yeah, I see it. Poor souls, I'm afraid we're too late to help.


[Mark Twain]


Captain ah, Pardon my opinion, but ah, its looks as if that fire was caused by just plain carelessness. Those folks are not only losing their own homes, but the home of those eagles as well. My sympathy goes to the eagles.


[Captain]


Yep, It looks like the sides are clear, man in the forest.


[Captain]


We're now entering Indian country, up ahead is the local chief coming to welcoming us.


[Deck Watch]


Indian Village ahead, Captain


[Captain]


Yeah know,....


[The speaker cutout, if someone could get the rest of this line and email it to me, it would be great!!]


[Captain]


Tracks off the port side lead to Big Thunder Mountain, site of the biggest gold strike in these parts. But in spite of its riches, that mine's been riddled with trouble and strange happens for as long as I can reminder.


[Mark Twain]


I, for one, am not at least surprised, this area is the outskirts of sacred Indian ground. Although I myself am not prone to superstition, some folks believe that restless spirits have taken over the mountain itself.


[Captain] Its looks more like a family of restless varmints have


taken over that wrecked train.


[Captain]


Up ahead is Big Thunder Falls, that means we're in the last stretch of wilderness, just ahead is the landing where are our journey ends. I would like to ask those passengers on the upper two decks to kindly start your descent to the lowest deck and prepare to go ashore. You may find the stair ways on the right side of the boat and to the rear, provide easier passage. Any partin' words, Mr Twain??


[Mark Twain]


Yeah, I would like to leave the folks with just one thought for the day. Always do right. This will gratify some people, astonish the rest.


[Captain]


Thank you, Mr Twain. And thank you all of you for traveling with us aboard the Mark Twain river boat. We hope to see again real soon!


[Captain]


Engine room, approach landing at one quarter speed. Man the bow line. All passengers, stand by to go a shore.